Thoughts on Dating (While Black) in Japan

Long before coming to Japan, I have had a thing for Asian men. I have always found them attractive in many ways - probably too numerous to name.  I would say that more than 75% of the men I have dated in my life have been Asian men and I foresee that this theme will continue indefinitely. I guess you could say I am suffering from chronic 'Asian Persuasion'.

Because of this, ...ahem..."infliction," I have spent a great deal of time thinking about what it would be like to date a Japanese man once I finally made it to Japan. I hoped to meet a great Japanese guy to date, perhaps fall in love, and blah blah blah... I spent many hours researching the topic of 'black women dating in Japan' and "foreigners dating in Japan' and my initial results were pretty dismal. Black women don't seem to have as much luck on the dating scene in Japan. Nevertheless, I was not defeated - I was determined to prove every statistic wrong!

Now that I am here, I am more or less on the fence about finding that special person. I haven't given up, but I am more cautiously optimistic about anything like that happening. There are three main reasons for this:

1.   Japanese men are not forward, hard to read and not really emotional. Perhaps I am "too American" in my belief that a guy who likes a girl should just testicle-up and say what he wants; but I honestly believe that Japanese men are far too quiet about their feelings. You can never be sure if a guy likes you or just thinks you are fun to hang out with and wants to be friends. In my mind I am often volleying the thought - "Is he friendly or more than friendly? Which one is it??!!" It's exhausting.  Clear, blatant flirting does not seem to happen here - at least it's NOWHERE near as blatant as in the US. If Japanese couples didn't occasionally hold hands (and even more rarely - KISS! *gasp*), I really could not tell who was in a relationship or who just happened to be sitting next to a stranger.
2.  Japanese guys may or may not be intimidated/enthused/horrified by Black women. Well you guys, I cannot hide behind this facade any longer, so I am going to just come out and say it - I am Black. Yes, its true, I am a Black woman. Take a time to absorb that if you need to. As a Black woman, I have encountered many curious onlookers in my daily life and most of them have been Japanese men. I have been stared at for nearly 45 minutes straight while on a train from Akihabara (to wake up from a mid-train nap and have an old Asian man staring you down from the far end of the train car is pretty creepy), I had chefs at a restaurant smile and gawk at me (these guys still do this even after I eaten at this restaurant a few times - I would stop going there, but the チャハン is soo delicious) and I have had guys literally stop what they were doing and watch me, unblinking, as if a unicorn had suddenly appeared out of thin air. I'd like to think it was because they had never seen such a beautiful creature, but lets be real - its because I am currently the blackest and weirdest thing in the room. I'm a stubborn girl and I believe I can do or be anything that someone says I can't, but this is one area where I somewhat little powerless. I feel sad knowing that my ethnicity might prevent people from actually trying to approach me or get to know me.
3. Japanese guys may want to date me just for the "cool" aspect.  I have read many articles about foreigners (mostly Caucasian men) who have been tracked down by so called "Gaijin Hunters" which are Japanese women/men who seek out foreigners just to brag about dating a foreigner and to have half gaijin babies. I certainly do not want to be someone's trophy - I have way to much to offer to be relegated to "Hey guys! Check out my cool American Black girlfriend!" One time while at a bar a Japanese guy came up to me and sparked a conversation with me. Not long after hearing that I was from California, he blurted out, "I like you." So I asked him, "Do you like me because I'm American?" His answer? "Yes." I'd like to think that some language barrier interfered with this conversation, but the truth of the matter is, some guys will want to have a relationship with me simply because I am foreign- and that is NOT what I am looking for. Although I like Japanese guys, I refuse to date a guy simply because he is  Japanese. He will also have to be nice, cute,  smart, interesting, have a sense of humor, honest, and many other things. I expect a guy who is interested in me to feel the same way. 

Overall I can say that from my present experiences, that dating/building relationships will not be easy, in fact, it may be very challenging. But I am confident in myself and believe that God will bring me the right person when the time is right. After all I shouldn't settle for anything less.

The ultimate conclusion to this post is far from over. Stay tuned.

Until then,

じゃまた

Ashia A.